This subject, and your even-handed, even sympathetic handling of it was what first caught my eye years ago. (Thanks for the link to that interview. I remember it well, but want to hear it again.). I'm 65. Father of two "girls" and a "boy", all married; and 4 grandchildren. I'm lucky they all have fairly traditional sex roles and seem very happy in it. I do see many 20/30 somethings tho who are struggling with this. The women see slights in many things the men do; yet get frustrated they aren't getting the "male" that they subconsciously want. The men are frustrated because they can't figure out what the women want. There is anger, due to frustration, on both "sides". Loneliness. Your interview (or it may have been a follow-on with someone from AEI?) talked about how male suicide notes usually used words like "useless", "unneeded", etc. Men are hardwired to be protectors and providers, and there is no conflict between this and equality. It just needs to be handled in a non-troglodyte way. <grin>. When they aren't able to serve in this role, they feel worthless. A version of this is how full time parents feel when/if their kids successfully fly the nest. You're "lucky" (because the alternative is worse) but you don't feel lucky. You feel unneeded etc. It's hard for both parents. Grandkids allow a resumption of this role to a lesser extent which is why grandparents love having them (and the parents love the help/affirmation.)
I've also especially enjoyed your occasional discussions of the traps/deadends that modern society sets for young women. "You must get a great education; get established in your career; not 'marry down'; not "settle"."....and this leads to loneliness, frustration, and missing the fertility window. I see this a lot. I think one of your interviewees mentioned how she got her PhD in like Social Work at Berkeley, and wouldn't consider dating any of her male peers because she found them unattractive. She got a gig at Ft Bragg, NC and was surprised to see that nearly all the wives of military men were very happily married with their traditionally male spouses. Spot on. I volunteer for a organization called Operation 300 (serving children who had a parent KIA) and was so refreshingly surprised to find this oasis of traditional masculinity (I've lived in big cities since 1976) and the happy wives this engendered. Not macho. Not braggadoccio. Just confident loving men.
I worry our culture, media, and schools are setting up my grandchildren for relationship failure. I'd love to see you continue to explore this subject(s). You do it well. Thank you.
Thanks Lucy and see my comments below. I have a son and daughter and I condemn utterly anyone who generalizes so dishonestly to day masculinity is a fault.
This touched me. I am very lucky; my father was big and strong, a carpenter with calloused hands. I will never forget the image of that man holding my younger siblings as babies; his big hands gently cradling them. And seeing my mother fall in love with him all over again.
I followed my father into the trades, and have had the opportunity and privilege of training young men as apprentices. Watching them shoulder the burden of keeping the world working, without plaudits and more often that not seen as a problem that needs to be solved; but we are indispensable and take pride in what we do.
During covid we were classified as necessary. I remember doing a rough calculations of the odds; I overestimated both the danger and the likelihood of infection, but accepted the risk. I knew people were afraid, they needed things to just work, so we kept things working. Much of my work is in grocery stores; the crews there were doing exactly the same thing.
Anyone whoever prescribed to masculinity any negative connotation was lying to themselves. I don't like to question the motivation of anyones ideas yet... If reason is contorted to see men as generally toxic, they are are categorically dishonest, and anti-human, and full of BS. Tara, I am often impatient with your themes and articles and refrain from commenting and forgive the questionable thesis silently, and this time is no different with using hip hop to explain your defense of masculinity, so I make an exception this time.
How can anyone as smart as you type "there is nothing wrong with being male"?
How can anyone with an ounce of integrity deny humanity and be so illogical. Being male is an immutable characteristic and to condemn men as toxic is morally wrong.
It isn't controversial to utter that craziness, it is indefensible as it is denying and condemning nature.
Tara,
This subject, and your even-handed, even sympathetic handling of it was what first caught my eye years ago. (Thanks for the link to that interview. I remember it well, but want to hear it again.). I'm 65. Father of two "girls" and a "boy", all married; and 4 grandchildren. I'm lucky they all have fairly traditional sex roles and seem very happy in it. I do see many 20/30 somethings tho who are struggling with this. The women see slights in many things the men do; yet get frustrated they aren't getting the "male" that they subconsciously want. The men are frustrated because they can't figure out what the women want. There is anger, due to frustration, on both "sides". Loneliness. Your interview (or it may have been a follow-on with someone from AEI?) talked about how male suicide notes usually used words like "useless", "unneeded", etc. Men are hardwired to be protectors and providers, and there is no conflict between this and equality. It just needs to be handled in a non-troglodyte way. <grin>. When they aren't able to serve in this role, they feel worthless. A version of this is how full time parents feel when/if their kids successfully fly the nest. You're "lucky" (because the alternative is worse) but you don't feel lucky. You feel unneeded etc. It's hard for both parents. Grandkids allow a resumption of this role to a lesser extent which is why grandparents love having them (and the parents love the help/affirmation.)
I've also especially enjoyed your occasional discussions of the traps/deadends that modern society sets for young women. "You must get a great education; get established in your career; not 'marry down'; not "settle"."....and this leads to loneliness, frustration, and missing the fertility window. I see this a lot. I think one of your interviewees mentioned how she got her PhD in like Social Work at Berkeley, and wouldn't consider dating any of her male peers because she found them unattractive. She got a gig at Ft Bragg, NC and was surprised to see that nearly all the wives of military men were very happily married with their traditionally male spouses. Spot on. I volunteer for a organization called Operation 300 (serving children who had a parent KIA) and was so refreshingly surprised to find this oasis of traditional masculinity (I've lived in big cities since 1976) and the happy wives this engendered. Not macho. Not braggadoccio. Just confident loving men.
I worry our culture, media, and schools are setting up my grandchildren for relationship failure. I'd love to see you continue to explore this subject(s). You do it well. Thank you.
I have two teen boys and I welcome any recognition of good in masculinity.
Thanks Lucy and see my comments below. I have a son and daughter and I condemn utterly anyone who generalizes so dishonestly to day masculinity is a fault.
Refreshingly candid, honest and inspiring for us all. Thank you very much this uplifting essay. Sincerely, Frederick
Thank you, this is a wonderful piece, and a great defense of hip-hop.
This touched me. I am very lucky; my father was big and strong, a carpenter with calloused hands. I will never forget the image of that man holding my younger siblings as babies; his big hands gently cradling them. And seeing my mother fall in love with him all over again.
I followed my father into the trades, and have had the opportunity and privilege of training young men as apprentices. Watching them shoulder the burden of keeping the world working, without plaudits and more often that not seen as a problem that needs to be solved; but we are indispensable and take pride in what we do.
During covid we were classified as necessary. I remember doing a rough calculations of the odds; I overestimated both the danger and the likelihood of infection, but accepted the risk. I knew people were afraid, they needed things to just work, so we kept things working. Much of my work is in grocery stores; the crews there were doing exactly the same thing.
Anyone whoever prescribed to masculinity any negative connotation was lying to themselves. I don't like to question the motivation of anyones ideas yet... If reason is contorted to see men as generally toxic, they are are categorically dishonest, and anti-human, and full of BS. Tara, I am often impatient with your themes and articles and refrain from commenting and forgive the questionable thesis silently, and this time is no different with using hip hop to explain your defense of masculinity, so I make an exception this time.
How can anyone as smart as you type "there is nothing wrong with being male"?
How can anyone with an ounce of integrity deny humanity and be so illogical. Being male is an immutable characteristic and to condemn men as toxic is morally wrong.
It isn't controversial to utter that craziness, it is indefensible as it is denying and condemning nature.