Staying, and working on marriage is hard. But Divorce is devastating, with a wider swath of destruction involving many more casualties. This reality is lost on most.
I am a subscriber to the literary review so I had read this excellent article. Funny thing, I’ve been making that vinaigrette for the last 40 plus years and I’m still married to the same woman. That must be the secret!
Have you tried the cheesecake? My husband made it for me on our first date and that’s when I knew he was a keeper ( one of many reasons). For the last 30 years he has made this same cheesecake for me on my birthday every year. It is the only dish he makes. It is ironic that a memoir about a marriage gone wrong would somehow contribute to the happiness of other people’s marriages. We have Heartburn on our shelf of recipe books and I’m going to make the vinaigrette this week. Thanks for the recommendation!
Finally catching up on my reading. This essay is superb Tara, both your coverage of this topic and the actual writing. Chef’s kiss.
Couple little asides, the documentary on Nora Ephron “ Everything is Copy” is a must watch! Directed/ produced by her son.
Also, Literary Review of Canada is impressive. I used to have a subscription and need to revisit. They published an essay by David Cayley in Oct 2020 that should have been required reading by ALL CANADIANS imo.
Also , Ephron ended up marrying the love of her life, an old school “macho” Italian writer who wrote “wiseguy” and the goodfellas screenplay. Something to think about.
Every time you picture something, it makes it easier for it to happen. I remember reading a quote from Oprah Winfrey about watching all those much maligned TV shows of years past that featured a working husband and homemaking, supportive wife who together were brilliant parents. Not having been blessed with a home like that, she said something about it giving her hope to know that such families existed. Today, we specialize in shows and books that feature dysfunction. Are we really better off?
It is hard to write about a happy marriage, not least because when you love someone you don't want to expose their flaws to the world. Respecting privacy sometimes means sounding boring or out of touch. One can be so much more nasty and amusing when getting divorced. I think that Tolstoy was only partially correct when he wrote that, "All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." Happy families share many traits as do unhappy ones. Think loyalty vs. betrayal, respect vs. insults, counting blessing vs. counting disappointments. Yet, each happy family is comprised of individuals with personal quirks and personalities. Happiness results not from complaining about those to an appreciative audience but from recognizing the positives as well as being grateful that one's own quirks and personality are accepted and appreciated.
The payoffs for being in a good marriage are immense. Many don't become clear until years down the road. The effect is cumulative. Meanwhile, there are always bumps in the road and opportunities to damage the relationship. The authors of divorce memoirs who say, "You go, girl," won't be there when the excitement of starting over fades. Lo and behold, new lovers and spouses also have their own problematic behaviors.
Divorce is sometimes a right and necessary step. So is amputating a limb. And life after can be better than it was before. But encouraging someone to take that step without recognizing the
severity of it may sell books but it also may ruin lives.
I loved this interview. And mentioning Candice Malcolm too was an unexpected and nice surprise. The case for marriage made me reflect on my parents and their extremely rocky often hyper emotional relationship while I was growing up. They stayed married through thick and thin and are still married today after 60 years (!) and now taking care of each other in old age; and relaxing in Mexico with their feet up. Did them staying together help in their health, longevity, overall happiness (and forgiveness for the past) and ultimately their financial prosperity? Yes, it did. Definitely.
Last week I watched this 1984 film called Falling In Love which starred Meryl Streep and Robert DeNiro as two people who meet on a commuter train and start an extramarital affair. What was weird about it was that their respective marriages were depicted as happy, maybe a little boring, but when Streep and DeNiro confide to their respective friends that they "met someone on the train" their friends are instantly like "oh my god that's so exciting and cool, are you going to keep seeing them?" without any reference to the fact that they're married. DeNiro's friend (played by Harvey Keitel) even immediately offers him the use of his apartment as a sex location! I was a kid in 1984 so I have to ask: was there a different morality about extramarital affairs in 1984? I feel like today they would 100% have to depict the marriages as abusive or otherwise bad to justify the character's infidelity. Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sF8Qxy8NBIY
"a religious Trump voter who avoided housework and child care and pressured her to give up political writing to pen a mystery novel instead, preferably at night after the kids were in bed. "
LOL. As if those things have anything to do with each other.
She married a bum. He could have been a Biden lover. And "pressured her"? Hey, if she did not want to write novels and wanted to write political books, then why not stand her ground?
This is the vulnerable narcissistic trait of some educated women. I have been married for 42 years, and I do the cooking and half the cleaning and half the gardening work. I also challenge my wife when she slips into this "well I wanted to do the other thing, but I worried it would disappoint you" because it is the first step in the vulnerable narcissistic play that ends with "I am unhappy because you "pressured" me to do the other thing."
Females are wired to seek harmony. It is likely evolutionary. It is an asset AND liability in relationships and careers.
Staying, and working on marriage is hard. But Divorce is devastating, with a wider swath of destruction involving many more casualties. This reality is lost on most.
I am a subscriber to the literary review so I had read this excellent article. Funny thing, I’ve been making that vinaigrette for the last 40 plus years and I’m still married to the same woman. That must be the secret!
Love it!
Have you tried the cheesecake? My husband made it for me on our first date and that’s when I knew he was a keeper ( one of many reasons). For the last 30 years he has made this same cheesecake for me on my birthday every year. It is the only dish he makes. It is ironic that a memoir about a marriage gone wrong would somehow contribute to the happiness of other people’s marriages. We have Heartburn on our shelf of recipe books and I’m going to make the vinaigrette this week. Thanks for the recommendation!
I have not tried the cheesecake, but now I will. Thanks, Yohanna! What a lovely story.
Finally catching up on my reading. This essay is superb Tara, both your coverage of this topic and the actual writing. Chef’s kiss.
Couple little asides, the documentary on Nora Ephron “ Everything is Copy” is a must watch! Directed/ produced by her son.
Also, Literary Review of Canada is impressive. I used to have a subscription and need to revisit. They published an essay by David Cayley in Oct 2020 that should have been required reading by ALL CANADIANS imo.
https://reviewcanada.ca/contributor/david-cayley/
Thanks, Lucy! And one hundred percent agreed on the LRC. They do such great work. That Cayley essay is a stand-out, for sure.
“Everything is Copy” link:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=N9wiAhnkVBc
Also , Ephron ended up marrying the love of her life, an old school “macho” Italian writer who wrote “wiseguy” and the goodfellas screenplay. Something to think about.
Every time you picture something, it makes it easier for it to happen. I remember reading a quote from Oprah Winfrey about watching all those much maligned TV shows of years past that featured a working husband and homemaking, supportive wife who together were brilliant parents. Not having been blessed with a home like that, she said something about it giving her hope to know that such families existed. Today, we specialize in shows and books that feature dysfunction. Are we really better off?
It is hard to write about a happy marriage, not least because when you love someone you don't want to expose their flaws to the world. Respecting privacy sometimes means sounding boring or out of touch. One can be so much more nasty and amusing when getting divorced. I think that Tolstoy was only partially correct when he wrote that, "All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." Happy families share many traits as do unhappy ones. Think loyalty vs. betrayal, respect vs. insults, counting blessing vs. counting disappointments. Yet, each happy family is comprised of individuals with personal quirks and personalities. Happiness results not from complaining about those to an appreciative audience but from recognizing the positives as well as being grateful that one's own quirks and personality are accepted and appreciated.
The payoffs for being in a good marriage are immense. Many don't become clear until years down the road. The effect is cumulative. Meanwhile, there are always bumps in the road and opportunities to damage the relationship. The authors of divorce memoirs who say, "You go, girl," won't be there when the excitement of starting over fades. Lo and behold, new lovers and spouses also have their own problematic behaviors.
Divorce is sometimes a right and necessary step. So is amputating a limb. And life after can be better than it was before. But encouraging someone to take that step without recognizing the
severity of it may sell books but it also may ruin lives.
I loved this interview. And mentioning Candice Malcolm too was an unexpected and nice surprise. The case for marriage made me reflect on my parents and their extremely rocky often hyper emotional relationship while I was growing up. They stayed married through thick and thin and are still married today after 60 years (!) and now taking care of each other in old age; and relaxing in Mexico with their feet up. Did them staying together help in their health, longevity, overall happiness (and forgiveness for the past) and ultimately their financial prosperity? Yes, it did. Definitely.
Last week I watched this 1984 film called Falling In Love which starred Meryl Streep and Robert DeNiro as two people who meet on a commuter train and start an extramarital affair. What was weird about it was that their respective marriages were depicted as happy, maybe a little boring, but when Streep and DeNiro confide to their respective friends that they "met someone on the train" their friends are instantly like "oh my god that's so exciting and cool, are you going to keep seeing them?" without any reference to the fact that they're married. DeNiro's friend (played by Harvey Keitel) even immediately offers him the use of his apartment as a sex location! I was a kid in 1984 so I have to ask: was there a different morality about extramarital affairs in 1984? I feel like today they would 100% have to depict the marriages as abusive or otherwise bad to justify the character's infidelity. Trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sF8Qxy8NBIY
"a religious Trump voter who avoided housework and child care and pressured her to give up political writing to pen a mystery novel instead, preferably at night after the kids were in bed. "
LOL. As if those things have anything to do with each other.
She married a bum. He could have been a Biden lover. And "pressured her"? Hey, if she did not want to write novels and wanted to write political books, then why not stand her ground?
This is the vulnerable narcissistic trait of some educated women. I have been married for 42 years, and I do the cooking and half the cleaning and half the gardening work. I also challenge my wife when she slips into this "well I wanted to do the other thing, but I worried it would disappoint you" because it is the first step in the vulnerable narcissistic play that ends with "I am unhappy because you "pressured" me to do the other thing."
Females are wired to seek harmony. It is likely evolutionary. It is an asset AND liability in relationships and careers.